FW: Consumer Reports - Girlfriends

[Jerry]

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A Consumer Reports special: Girlfriends

Well it's been over 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed
girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new
features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has
changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was
needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a
girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate
the final product which you should consider. Do you want an
intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots
of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and
most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much
you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and
personal characteristics - if you are good looking, have a commanding
personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to
obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly,
smell bad, use computers and wear polyester clothes, your choices are
more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your
selection. Although the salesman will tell you that the make and model
you want can be financed, CU does not reccommend this practice; due to
inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually
*increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a
new or a used one. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking,
be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

  Your age     Used or New
  --------     -----------
  1-12 years   (see note A)
  13-16 years  New
  17-21 years  Used, but not used up
  22-35 years  Used heavily
  35-60 years  New (see note B)
  60+          (see note A)

  Notes:
  A: Seek psychiatric help
  B: Only "new" if income  $100,000/year.  Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will
rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used products,
on the other hand, may be steady,reliable performers, with the initial
problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have
much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the
average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will
be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such
items as large bosom, blonde hair, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other
accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which
come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while
chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories
desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as
children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must
be factory installed.

The Test Ride
When evaluating the goods, a test ride is essential. The test ride
ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from
the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip
("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable
"Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling,
stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer
are:how fast, and how far?

Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm
adaquately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the perfect product can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery
time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live
in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have
access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for another
one anyway.

Methodology
Test samples were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were
performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a
bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns
surrounding the facility.

A series of seven tests were run, evaluatingeach product according to
the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative,
looks, and performance.

Results

Girlfriends are grouped together in catagories by similarity. Within
each catagory, variation is not statistically significant.

Category        Comments

Goddess         This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped
                with all the options you want and none of the ones you
                don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give
                you a stiff game of raquetball, understand what you
                mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No
                mental or physical hangups. The drawback is that this
                model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law  This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
                contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband,
                a spiteful mother, an alchololic father, and a bratty
                kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right       The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
                situations. Has most of the characteristics of the
                Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair
                color. Other than that, an excellent long-term
                investment. Availability is extremely limited but can
                occasionally be found with luck.

Babe            This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
                options.Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers
                and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for
                impressing your friends, but not for your long-term
                girlfriend needs.

Friend          The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but
                you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availibility is poor
                to fair, depending on quality.

Yeah, Her       The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available,
                butuseful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others
                are available.Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or
                have a dull finish.

Last Orders     You only ever find these of a morning; your friends
                all saw it the night before and won't let you forget.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!
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Jerry