OFF: Another Microsoft Product

[Max Wilcox]

DFrost8547 at AOL.COM wrote:
>
> "ANOTHER MICROSOFT PRODUCT"
>
>       Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)
>
>       [by Kevin G.]
>
>       Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
>       magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product
>
>       for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
>
>       "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
>       money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a
> golden
>       opportunity.  Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
>       monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so
> I
>       had my limo driver run over him several times."
>
>       Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
> Gates'
>       vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
>
>       "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
>       needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard
>       Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
>
>       Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95.
> At
>       random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
>       spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.
>       ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since
> our
>       diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't
> embellish
>       a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
>       change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank
>       account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the
>
>       program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has
>
>       not yet been implemented.
>
>       "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
> Bernard
>       Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the
>       next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out.
>       Maybe."
>
>       Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
>
>       "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
>       takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which
>       will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy
>       ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
>
>       But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
>       Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
>
>       "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
>       drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry
> Ellison.
>       "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for
>       change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for
> money."
>
>       Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?"  General
>       pandemonium then ensued.

        Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!
        Gee, these programs aren't out yet? For some reason I thaught they were
already in circulation....
        Funny that.
-Max Wilcox