OFF: Waaaaay Off, masturbation!

[christian]

Good 'un Daniel. Is this another one of your research projects? :)

Oh well, I gotta blow my load here-

>A Guide to Self-Control:
>
>1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet
>processes.

Depends on what your "normal" business happens to be there!?

>2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this
>good company.

Like joining a sect?

>3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU
>MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP.
>Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose
>that two of you will quit together, you never will.

Hahaha! "Bob, I have something to tell you..."

>You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence
>will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The
>problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists.
>Your mind must be on other and more
>wholesome things.

MUST CLEANSE MIND. MUST BE AFRAID OF GOD. GOD SEES ME ALL THE TIME. BAD BAD
DISEASE. WILL WATCH MR.ROGERS AND BE HAPPY.

>4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the
>bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough
>to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room
>where you will have some member
>of your family present.

Hahaha!!!!!!

"uh, sis, can you just time me here...?"

>5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part,
>dress yourself for the night so securely that you
>cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and
>time consuming for you to remove those clothes.

I always go to bed wearing tight leather straps and studs, sometimes
wearing a fully buttoned rubber raincoat. Just to be on the safe side,
I will get some family member to handcuff me to the bedpost. If it gets
bad even then I will ask them whip me!! Really, really HARD!

> By
>the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have
>sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation
>would leave you.

No matter what you wear you can still get a decent rub-off. Well, you could
try if it is a really pressing matter.

>6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED
>AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND
>FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if
>you are not hungry,

Suggestion: eat some *fruit*. Slowly, with your eyes closed.
Passionately lick the juice that runs down the fruit. Preferably a
fuzzy, warm peach. Right there, in the "wedge" area... yeah... mmm..

> and despite your fears of
>gaining weight.

All this talk of FEAR is scaring me.

> The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND
>ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the
>subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

According to this, one would seem to be subjects of someone else's
thoughts.

>3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts
>as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite
>a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn
>your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.

Wake up the neighbors, crazy paranoid *sshole freak!!!

Anyway, would one not be indulging if one goes to the kitchen to eat something
good to drive those evil thoughts away??

>4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and
>finally commit to never doing it again.

"Well mom, today I did it 8 times, next Monday I have to go down to 7
so keep an eye out on me OK?"

>Until you
>commit yourself to never again you will always be open to temptation.

!!!

"Father, I have confession to make... I have SINNED..."

"Uhhh... please, son, explain it all in lurid detail to me... huhh..."

>9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you,
>but show it to no one.

Hm, you could just tell someone it's for something else??


>If you have a lapse of self
>control, color the day black.

I hear Mick Jagger and a sitar somewhere...


> Your goal will be to have no black days.

Praise! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY.

> The
>calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self
>control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black
>day.

Oh no!!! More FEAR!

> Keep your calendar up until you have at
>least three clear months.

"My name is *** *****, and I am a..."

(heard at the MA-meeting after relapse)

>11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called
>aversion therapy. When we associate or think of
>something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but
>undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will
>begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something
>very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will
>help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate,
>think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat
>several of them as you do the act.

Yeah, condition yourself to associate your sexual functions with eating
maggots and you will become sane.
(Hey, it's actually kinda kinky eh?? )

>12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or
>shower curtain partly open, to discourage being
>alone in total privacy.

Yeah, take a dump and share your shit smell with your family and co-workers.


>Take cool brief showers.

"I shall be dirty so to keep my unclean thoughts away." Yup, that's the
middle ages. Ditto for the 6 minute bath. Anyway, a cold shower will
shrink a male member down so he will maybe start worrying
if it will ever regain his normal size (whatever that may be).
And that is BAD.

>13. Arise immediately in the mornings.

Happens by itself!!!!!!!!???

> Do not lie in bed awake, no matter
>what time of day it is. Get up and do something.

Standing *up* and jacking off? Sounds like a hassle.

>Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

Like jacking off???

>14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids
>before retiring.

Ah, no more hot chocolate for me. Or nightcaps.

>15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly
>as possible at night.

Hey! I love to fart under the covers, especially after the Indian
take out.

>16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

Ho hum, here we go repeating ourselves - again (like "bath" and "shower"
procedures)

>17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might
>create sexual excitement.

Actually, all pictures are bad. Yes people, remember:
STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE THAT EXCITE YOU SEXUALLY!!! That is
BAD. The best way to do this might be to marry as many wives
as you can (if you are a mormon guy anyway). Hwo knows how
those kids got inside the women in the first place???

>18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming
>this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in
>hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

Ah yes. I usually take wiith me my issues of "Giant-Size Man-Thing"
Marvel comics to bed.

>19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame
>with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a
>semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing
>several layers of clothing which would be
>difficult to remove while half asleep.

Boy, they pound this in eh?

Oh well, onto a healthier and more wholesome life -
only 6 or 7 more hours till bedtime! Better down that
chocolate now.

Christian

PS: I have my foot on standby to be placed in my mouth.