eweekly: geezer rock concerts

[Andrew Apold]

Found online at:

http://www.ew.com/ew/daily/0,2514,1321,thisissummerof.html

Broken Hip
This is the summer of geezer rock concerts. Chris Nashawaty names the
oldies bands that should cancel the stadium tours and start poppin' Geritol
instead

Look, I'm a sucker for classic rock as much as the next guy. In fact, a few
weeks back I even wrote a column on why I thought VH1's ''Behind the
Music'' was the best show on TV, specifically singling out the Lynyrd
Skynyrd and Mamas and the Papas episodes. Still, that doesn't mean I want
to see them outside of my living room. As this summer's concert-tour season
kicks off, I'm beginning to get a little creeped out by all the grizzled
dinosaur acts hitting the road. It's almost like an eerie sci-fi movie --
''Encore of the Living Dead.''

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for employing the elderly and keeping them busy
during their Geritol years. Heck, they earned it. And there actually are a
few shows I wouldn't mind catching, like Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, and
the Allman Brothers. But some of these guys just have no shame. And I won't
even get into the sheer hypocrisy of rock stars who used to throw around
slogans like ''Don't trust anyone over 30'' and ''Hope I die before I get
old.'' Now they're more likely to tell their fans to get the hell off their
lawns and leave the directional blinker on their tour buses as they cruise
at a steady 35 MPH between gigs.

I don't want to seem heartless. I understand that the reason most of these
rockers are touring is because they probably weren't big rainy-day money
savers in their heydays. But I'm just worried someone may break a hip at
one of these shows. So in an effort to get these guys back at the Early
Bird Specials where they belong, I've compiled a handy ''10 Least Wanted
Tours Guide'' for this summer. And if you do decide to attend one of these
shows, remember to really speak up when shouting out song requests.

Styx: Just when you were finally beginning to think that not everything
sucked in the '70s, here comes Styx futilely trying to prove that cheese
never goes rotten.

Eric Burdon and the New Animals: Just wondering, but did anyone notice when
the 'Old Animals' left?

Blue Oyster Cult: Am I the only one who'd love to see wild man Ted Nugent
at this show with his bow and arrow?

Jefferson Starship: Their last hit album may have been 1985's ''Knee Deep
in the Hoopla,'' but they're still knee-deep in something.

Jimmy Buffett: Beneath that Hawaiian shirt resides pure evil, plain and
simple.

''Weird Al'' Yankovic: The only way you'll get me is if you get Gallagher
to smash melons as your opening act.

Night Ranger: The '80s Hair Band of ''Sister Christian'' fame is so
profoundly lame it doesn't even qualify as 'kitsch.'

Loverboy: Why don't they just team up with Night Ranger and cut the
collective misery in half?

Modern English: Um, 'Modern' compared to what exactly?

The Village People: The madness must finally end... and remember, only YOU
can stop it.

=============================
"To dwell within Samsara, however, is to
 be subject to the works of those mighty
 among dreamers."

 - Mahasamatman, in Zelazny's "Lord of Light"

Andrew Apold