OFF: Military Aircraft Customer Survey

Thu Jan 16 12:37:03 EST 2003

This is one of those funny things making the rounds.  Too bad it's not
Lockheed :-) I rather doubt it actually appeared on the web site; nice
to imagine that happening, though.

------------------------------------------------------

It's nice to know at least one person in the military-industrial complex
has a sense of humor ... This was allegedly posted (very briefly) on the
McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense
of humor.  The company, of course, did not share in the humor, and
made the web department take it down immediately;  (for once, the
'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too).

"Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill
out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions
is not required, but the information will help us to develop new
products that best meet your needs and desires."

1. [_] Mr.
   [_] Mrs.
   [_] Ms.
   [_] Miss
   [_] Lt.
   [_] Gen.
   [_] Comrade
   [_] Classified
   [_] Other

   First Name: .................................................
   Initial: ........
   Last Name:...................................................
   Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
   Code Name:...............................................
   Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ......................

   2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
   [_] F-14 Tomcat
   [_] F-15 Eagle
   [_] F-16 Falcon
   [_] F-117A Stealth
   [_] Classified

   3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20../......./.....

   4. Serial Number:.........................................

   5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
   [_] Received as gift / aid package   [_] Catalogue / showroom
   [_] Independent arms broker
   [_] Mail order
   [_] Discount store
   [_] Government surplus
   [_] Classified

   6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
   product you have just purchased:

   [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
   [_] Store display
   [_] Espionage
   [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
   [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
   [_] Was attacked by one

   7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
   decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

   [_] Style / appearance
   [_] Speed / maneuverability
   [_] Price / value
   [_] Comfort / convenience
   [_] Kickback / bribe
   [_] Recommended by salesperson
   [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
   [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
   [_] Backroom politics
   [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

   8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

   [_] North America
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Aircraft carrier
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Europe
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Africa
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Asia / Far East
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Miscellaneous Third World countries
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Classified
   [_] Iraq

   9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
   purchase in the near future:

   [_] Color TV
   [_] VCR
   [_] ICBM
   [_] Killer Satellite
   [_] CD Player
   [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
   [_] Space Shuttle
   [_] Home Computer
   [_] Nuclear Weapon

   10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate
   all that apply:)
   [_] Communist / Socialist
   [_] Terrorist
   [_] Crazed
   [_] Neutral
   [_] Democratic
   [_] Dictatorship
   [_] Corrupt
   [_] Primitive / Tribal

   11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

   [_] Deficit spending
   [_] Cash
   [_] Suitcases of cocaine
   [_] Oil revenues
   [_] Personal cheque
   [_] Credit card
   [_] Ransom money
   [_] Traveller's cheque

   12. Your occupation:

   [_] Homemaker
   [_] Sales / marketing
   [_] Revolutionary
   [_] Clerical
   [_] Mercenary
   [_] Tyrant
   [_] Middle management
   [_] Eccentric billionaire
   [_] Defense Minister / General
   [_] Retired
   [_] Student

   13. To help us better understand our customers; please indicate the
   interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
   participating in on a regular basis:

   [_] Golf
   [_] Boating / sailing
   [_] Sabotage
   [_] Running / jogging
   [_] Propaganda / misinformation
   [_] Destabilization / overthrow
   [_] Defaulting on loans
   [_] Gardening
   [_] Crafts
   [_] Black market / smuggling
   [_] Collectibles / collections
   [_] Watching sports on TV
   [_] Wines
   [_] Interrogation / torture
   [_] Household pets
   [_] Crushing rebellions
   [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
   [_] Fashion clothing
   [_] Border disputes
   [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

   Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas
serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive
mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist
groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this
survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert
Thunder Sweepstakes!

   Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
   McDonnell DOUGLAS CORPORATION,
   Marketing Department,
   Military Aerospace Division.

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--

|  | /\
|-_|/  >   Eric Siegerman, Toronto, Ont.        erics at telepres.com
|  |  /
Just Say No to the "faceless cannonfodder" stereotype.
        - http://www.ainurin.net/ (an Orc site)