OFF: Another Microsoft Product

[DFrost8547 at AOL.COM]

"ANOTHER MICROSOFT PRODUCT"

      Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

      [by Kevin G.]

      Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
      magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product

      for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

      "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
      money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a
golden
      opportunity.  Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
      monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so
I
      had my limo driver run over him several times."

      Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
Gates'
      vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

      "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
      needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard
      Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

      Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95.
At
      random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
      spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.
      ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since
our
      diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't
embellish
      a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
      change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank
      account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the

      program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has

      not yet been implemented.

      "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
Bernard
      Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the
      next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out.
      Maybe."

      Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

      "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
      takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which
      will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy
      ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

      But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
      Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

      "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
      drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry
Ellison.
      "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for
      change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for
money."

      Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?"  General
      pandemonium then ensued.